OK, Since Jaren W. just called me a "Ding Dong," I have to post our whole e-mail conversation just to set this record straight. It went something like this: "Hi Jaren and Family, How are you? I wish I could come and help you move because that's going to be so hard in the heat. I'm so sorry you have to go through that. I would love to come and help out your whole family." He answered: "Work today was a boon. Directly into my receptive hands wandered a beautiful, huge orange moth, a slender green katydid, a nearly dead female stag beetle, and a small striped lizard.
Bloated,
JW"
Bloated,
JW"
I answered, "A bloated lizard? You must post this! The sense detail is almost overwhelming."
He answered, "You ding dong. The lizard isn't bloated. That was my closing, like sincerely, but in this case I said bloated."
Now, I ask all bloggers on this site how I'm supposed to know he was "bloated"? 
(Don't answer that.) And do you think this is a heat reaction as he prepares for Grad. school? The Nile Virus? Or hysteria from eating live frogs? (I still love the colors and imagery in his e-mail, in spite of the missing "bloated lizard." That fool can write.)
(Don't answer that.) And do you think this is a heat reaction as he prepares for Grad. school? The Nile Virus? Or hysteria from eating live frogs? (I still love the colors and imagery in his e-mail, in spite of the missing "bloated lizard." That fool can write.)By the way, here's some pure gossip. Kimberly's (Greg Fox's friend) roommate came into the WC today and told us Greg is alive and well and busy, which is very different from turning his back and completely ignoring us, right? Greeeeeeegory, where are yoooooou, Little Brother. We miss you. And a line or two here and there wouldn't kill you.
16 comments:
Greg is such a wonderful jackass. S&M: I'm glad you got photographic evidence of what I've been trying to tell people for years, namely, Greg is eternally surrounded by a faint pink haze.
By the way, he emailed me yesterday and said he had tried posting on this blog, but he was unable as you haven't yet listed him as an authorized contributor. A note about the picture--I'm pretty sure he is reading On The Road. He said that after he'd read a few pages he'd find himself panting from the frenetic pacing of Kerouax's prose. (I think it's because he's just abysmally out of shape. Reading makes him sweat.)
The rest: S&M's a big fat liar. She didn't offer to help jack. The rest of the correspondence is accurately represented, included her stumbling over the awful complexity of a standard letter closing.
By thunder! I meant includING.
JW, would you please stop swearing, so we don't all get hit with lightening, or I'm going to tell Heavenly Father myself not to let you in to our writer's group in heaven.
And I did so offer to help (she said with hurt innocent soft eyes). It was the main reason for the e-mail. In fact, I actually said I'd fly out to pack boxes, take care of dear children, and cook nutritional meals, so dear children could get off of bug diet. But JW is such a stubborn I-can-do-it-all-myself big fat liar that he refused to even pay for my plane ticket. Oh, the webs we weave. Charity, get some control over that man.
And, hey, Em. Why can't Greg post? Would you fix please, please? Or show me how?
Yes, The pink haze was amazing, JW, as it oozed out from his brain to fill the whole Center. Scary. Real Scary.
PS I hope you warn Greg that I write whatever, never censor--especially not to appease cynics--and will continue to pour out heart all over the INTERNET. Today, heart is flipping flippant. By Thunder! (I love that phrase, JW, can I have it?)
Funny thing, S&M. I never swear except in writing. I'll refrain.
False. That is false. I know that Jaren has sworn at least once to me. I just don't remember when.
Yeah, give me Greg's email and we'll invite him straightaway. Licketysplit.
It sounds like S&M is trying to invite herself over for dinner again, PMS. *gratuitous wink*
Golly, Em! I declare.
You may be right. If I did happen to swear aloud, it was probably at you.
Otherwise, the words that pass my lips are usually reminiscent of a cherub's keister. That is, clean and freshly wiped.
Tell Greg to check either his gmail or the email that PMS sent me this evening. He's already listed as a Guest for this blog under the name "Chuck Norris" (though he obviously ISN'T the martial arts king of the crackers). There's no reason he shouldn't be able to post. He's probably just being as flaky as you were, PMS, when you couldn't figure it out mwa ha ha.
I dropped Gregory a line 'bout a week ago, telling him that it would probably please everyone if he swung by here.
JW said: I never swear except in writing.
Not Without Laughter
I truly laugh with you, JG. In fact, just for lying about it, let's change JW's real name from PMS to PM for "Potty Mouth." Oh, he would quake in his sleep if he could see the ring of hell reserved for liars. (I know. I've been there.) Sure relieved that he speaks so fervently about repenting. Sad, sad dreams I had of hearing him wailing from hell when we were partying in heaven.
JG: If you had children, I would eat them.
S&M: Oh, you you you big dummy.
OK, Chucky, don't drop in. We were lying (something we picked up from Jaren)about missing you. In fact, we don't miss you at all. But, some day, somewhere, on some dark back street of life, you're gonna drop dead, foaming yellow bile at the mouth as your eyes ooze out for people to step on and squish, and this agonizing death will happen why? Yep. You guessed it--from missing US. A warning, you coward: if we don't at least soon hear what you're reading, I'm posting a picture of beautiful Kimberly so all can see why you're so busy.
Who's Kimberly? I have no choice but to picture the pink power ranger.
Kimberly is as sweet inside as she looks outside. Gregory finally broke his sick dating neurosis and picked a great gal to hang with. I really like her. And since they both have the same commitment phobias (it's not just Greg running toward Mexico at the first touch), I'm hoping this comes about.
JG, speaking of babies, if you have some, I wouldn't have to send for children through the mail to play with. (Whoops. I can hear gasps over that one.)
*GASP*
BT: "As flaky as you were"?
Real sensitive. You know I'm self conscious about my psoriasis.
OK, so I know I'm a bit behind in the game, but I'm new so I can get away with it. I need to make a clarification--Jaren is NOT an "I-can-do-it-all-myself" anything (with the exception of the bathrooms he cleaned this morning--he knows they won't get cleaned otherwise). Jaren is a "sweetwife-can-handle-it-all-herself" while I punch the clock and catch bugs kind of guy. I think I'm OK with this though, things tend to get tossed or lost when he helps. I love you JP!
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