8/29/07

For the Record, Pt. III: an excerpt from Marvin Austead's "Oral Fixation and Our Friends of Class Amphibia"


Fig. 1: Joseph Griffin, December 2000, Pelotas, Brazil, demonstrating the 'Boca Ruse' approach to amphibian sampling


(pg 326) "...in the Boca Ruse manner of sampling Order Salientia, the sampler elevates a captive true frog in the air, and with a visage of wild-eyed voracity, feigns a gesture of consumption directed at said amphibian. The benefits of this manner of amphibian sampling are numerous:
  1. Amphibian does not contact the mouth of the sampler, thereby avoiding the possible transfer of any virulent bacteria via the amphibian's osmotic skin.
  2. The sampler's mouth does not pass on any foreign body to the delicate amphibian, via the amphibian's osmotic skin.
  3. Awkward (and possibly ostracizing) social situations are averted.
  4. Young, impressionable children are taught to avoid the ills of direct oral contact with creatures that regularly swim in their own evacuation."

9 comments:

Emily G said...

Oh, my life!! I would say that my picture was still much better than this except my picture lacks the young teenage Joe G, and that is a gem all on its own!!! Hahaha! What a fine classic whiff of J.G.'s deep past......and to think that the friendships between him, me and J. Watson only thickens and simmers with our joint fixation on having people think or see we have frogs in our mouths. What premortal circumstance pushed us all to behave this way and what makes Joe think that his lack of frog-tongue contact makes his display any more mature than Jaren's and my success at licking the underside of bewildered yet content amphibian?

Jaren: did you get salmonella? Neither did I. And I'm not worried about your kids. They've got snakes around their necks for crying out loud. For crying out loud. And that frog did not die from our saliva. It died from the soapy residue that seeps poison into any and all bath water. Any boy who filled a girl's bathtub up with goldfish to ask her to Prom will tell you the same.

Joe, thanks for posting this. It's a better day that I've seen this.

Emily G said...

You almost look Asian. I'd seriously wonder if I didn't already know you.

Grifter said...

Ah fair Gilly. Keep telling yourself that "it was the bathwater" (probably was...just being contrary).

The connection between 3 people who insist on placing frogs in or near their mouths can only be cosmic.

I enjoy that you think I am a teenager in this picture. This was taken shortly before my 21st birthday. I was in Brazil. I was the same height that I am now (6'6") but weighed a staggeringly slight 168 lbs. You see, the picture becomes more believable at that point: when you understand that I might entertain the idea of consuming a tiny frog just to eek by.

Emily G said...

Hahaha, this is missionary Joe? My apologies for mistaking you for high school Joe! Wow, you really changed from 21 to 23. I guess I might have changed from 21 to 23, too, 23 being the age I turned when I was on my mission. See how I made it come full circle there?

Hmm. I've probably seen this picture before then. I have vague recollections of your missionary albums...I do remember how skinny you looked. Hm. A brazilian frog, then? Well, that does up the stakes.

Grifter said...

I think my major change from 21 to 23 consisted of 40 lbs.

No Japanese frogs? No?

[a little background on the pic: a lady in our area had this old, victorian-style home--a real rarity there--that she had inherited. Anyhow, her walls were decorated with framed pictures, clocks, etc, and the frogs would sneak into her house and actually live behind the frames on her walls. if you were still for a minute, you could hear them rustling behind the wood. for a service project, we went through her house collecting hundreds upon hundreds of frogs under frames and turned them loose in a pond a few miles away. best day ever]

Emily G said...

*speechless* *slack-jawed* That's just about the best service project I've ever even heard of. I don't think I could even have the imagination to fantasize about a service project that good. I thought only Harry Potter and Angela Lansbury got to do cool stuff like that for service.

Jaren Watson said...

BT, if you like the 21 year old JG, you should have seen the 15 year old version. Wild eyed and scrappy, to be sure.
JG, I'm still reeling from your Grand post. This one is nice too. Your chumpiness shows through! You should have downed that bad boy. BT is right--I've never had less salmonella that I do now.
S & M, the bottle's pointing you-ward. Cough up a frog pic.

James Best said...

So I was looking at this post when Valerie walked by.

"Is that Joe at 12?"

In fact, no, I replied this is the Y2K version of Joe, skinny from worry of the techno world ending.

The amount of frog dangling is fascinating. I don't think I have a picture to add to the bunch.

Though I might have one from the mish of lizard dangling.

Cosmic, though.

S.Morgan said...

Ahhhh, you frog lovers. Joe G. I love the image of lady with frogs in her walls. It sticks in my mind along with you eating several hunkin' slimy F's to gain weight. Don't think for a minute we believe you let them loose in a lovely pond.